Will Ferrell Shaves Conan’s Beard

May you all welcome in the new era of shaven Conan!

- Paul Scott

Image by alancleaver_2000 via Flickr

I’m not really sure why I’ve decided to post this after all this time but I want to talk about one of my biggest pet peeves – employers asking their potential employees questions like “What is your biggest weakness?”

Do employers truly believe that people will be honest when they answer this question?

“My biggest weakness?  Hmmm.  Every now and again I steal office supplies.”

or…

“Well, I tend to call in sick a lot just because I don’t feel like coming in to work.”

Apparently, there are correct answers to such a stupid question:

You have to take a step back, look at your strengths and turn them into a potential strength.

“I’m a hard worker.  I work so hard that I sometimes can’t say no to additional projects.”

Employers, do not ask your potential employees what their weaknesses are.  They will not tell you the truth.  They will lie.  You will either receive a bogus answer like the one just above or they will tell you that they do not believe they have any.  Save yourself the humiliation of being lied to and just ask questions that they can answer honestly.

Keep on going.

- Paul Scott

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To let you know a little bit about 25-year-old me, I suck at writing – not so much the grammar or the clever way I string words into an aesthetically pleasing sentence but in my originality and imagination.  As a child, I had not a care in the world.  I believed in anything that anyone told me (not because I was naive but because I am a believer) and I came up with at least 1,000 story ideas every day.

Now I have 271 projects sitting on my desk, simply waiting to be completed and I don’t have the heart or the imagination to finish them.  These are childhood stories that I never did sit down to complete and now I almost feel as if they are better left in the dust of my filing cabinet.  They are tales that I poured my heart and soul into as a child and I feel now as if I have no heart or soul left to give to them.

I recently had one of the greatest writing experiences of my life, however.  I had the opportunity to listen to a talk presented by Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of Eat, Pray, Love.  During this talk, Elizabeth discussed the muse at great length.  She even discussed how while writing Eat, Pray, Love she was having feelings of despair believing it would be the “worst book in the world.”  She said, during this time, that she looked into an empty corner of her office and addressed her muse directly.

She informed her muse that, if the work was terrible, she was not the only one to blame.  She said that she was working as hard as she could every day, waking up at the same time and forcing herself to write.  She guilted the muse into being there for her by saying aloud “I would please like the record to reflect today that I showed up for my part of the job.”  If you are interested in the entirety of the talk (about 20 minutes), you can see it here.

Well, these last few years, I have forgotten myself.  I have failed to show up for my part of the job for years and my muse has been the one to give up on me.

From this day forward, I make this commitment.  I will show up to write every day if my muse will promise to forgive me and give me another chance.

- Paul Scott

I dream that I am a common man, unknown and unimportant.  I dream that I live in a rat hole decorated with petty trinkets that a man of low station could barely afford.  I dream that I stumble out of this apartment into a dark and cold world where nothing waits to greet me.  I turn the corner in my dream and see my car, barely worthy to be called a car at all.  This car takes me to a place of terror – a shared office not even the size of my bedroom where I slave away at something I do not believe in…I do not have passion for.  I go through the motions and the nightmare is the same every morning.

When I climb into bed at the end of this dreadful nightmare, I wake into a world of endless possibilities.  There are highs and lows farther than any man could imagine on his own.  My life is whatever I will it to be or whatever I fear in my heart the most.  It is a world of constant and comfort.  It is a world where no idea, no feeling goes unwelcome.

I heard a quote once:  “You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.” – Dr. Seuss

My life has gone through so many changes, very few for the better this last year and I have lost track of my passion, my marriage, my responsibility as a father…I have let the nightmare become real and the reality become a dream.  I have compromised one too many times and allowed my failures to control my life.

How many times have I sworn change?  How many times have I said ‘this will be the time I turn my life around?’  Well, I’ll be honest…would I rather sit down and watch the entire season of my favorite TV show than get up and experience my life for what it could be?  Yes.  I say this because that is the choice I have unconsciously made because it is what I have done.

If I truly wanted to be a writer, I would write.  Obviously, it is not important enough to me to give up a couple hours of someone else’s story.

If I truly wanted to put my wife and daughter before all else, then I would do it.  I would put down the computer and pick my daughter up off the floor, take my wife’s hand and I would love them until my heart could love no more and burst open.

I attempt once more to turn my life around.  As God is my witness, the choices ahead of me may very well determine the entirety of my future.

Ladies and gentlemen, family and friends, wish me luck!

- Paul Scott

Today, for no reason in particular, it was time to change that.  I picked a fun little place with the help of my daughter’s randomly deciding finger and kept it a secret from my wife.  We decided on 25 Main.

We went and enjoyed cupcakes.  So much fun.

If you’re ever in the St. George area,  try 25 Main.  They have a cafe along with some of the best cupcakes I’ve had in a while.

As you can see, Oriana loves the vanilla frosting!

- Paul Scott

I will be honest readers: I am struggling here.

For the entirety of my life, the term “family” has been a very abstract idea.  As my friends and family know, I am adopted and so I was raised that blood does not necessarily define who your family is.  Over the years, I began to mold my own definition of family and I think I have come as close to the actual answer as I can possibly get:

“Family is: those who care about you and those who you care about.”  That is as plain and simple as I can put it.

The truth is, I am at a very difficult crossroads in my life.

Let me explain, and trust me, I am really opening up on this one.  What you read in the following paragraphs may forever change relationships as they currently are in my life.  Here goes nothing:

My father was never there for me when I was young.  Sure, he lived at home and he is still married to my mother but he wasn’t truly there.  What do I mean?  Well, my father was a workaholic.  He always put work before everything else in his life – including his family.  I did not grow up with nothing.  I had the nicest clothes on my back, the best food that stores could offer and the biggest house on the block.  What I didn’t have was a father to share these things with.  My father came home late almost every night and, up until I was a teenager out that late myself, my bedtime was always before he got in.  I was taught that money was more important than time…and I was taught often.

My mother was more important than anyone…not only to my father, but to herself.  I would hear often about my neighbors and how they were “less than…” or some other such nonsense about how they could never measure up to my father.  She was as thick-headed and stubborn as an ox and I grew up learning to be stubborn and thick-headed as well.  I have not once been apologized to by my mother unless she and I both were at fault and I apologized first.

I was forced into a religion which I was unsure of.  Rather than giving me my “free agency” like said religion teaches, they decided to follow the devil’s plan and “force me to make the right decisions.”  This is not the religion’s fault.  Nowhere in their teachings have I found doctrine that inspires parents to brainwash and force their children into submission.  This is simply a common parenting trait for those who believe in any God.

On top of all this, I was taught to respect “my elders.”  Now, this is one that I normally tend to agree with.  However, I believe that certain individuals have earned that respect while others have not.  I have made it a personal standard of mine to show respect to every individual regardless of age, race or gender until said individual has disrespected me.  My parents did not share this view.  Somehow living longer instilled an automatic amount of respect due to an individual.

The “less than…” idea was passed onto me.  I was a very brilliant child when I was younger and I struggled to maintain that intelligence all my life.  Because I got straight A’s in elementary school, rather than being rewarded for A’s and B’s, my parents would only focus on what I could do better.  I was always less than…, never good enough, and never up to par.

Because of these parenting traits, I grew up with a sense of independence – something my parents will call “normal teenage rebellion.”  I was not a rebellious child.  I believed what I believed and I stood up for it – damn the consequences.  I left home early, still a teenager, and proceeded to live my own life.

Once I moved out of my home and was not in constant proximity with my parents, we began to get along to a certain degree.  They became less aggressive in their judgments and forcing and I became less “rebellious.”

However, time passed and I found my parents to be very self-righteous.  They believed that nothing they had done was wrong.  Because of this, and the way they treated my girlfriend at the time (now ex-wife), I cut them off from my life entirely.

I made up stories about my parents – making them anything from abusive criminals to mafia bosses.  The truth was, I was simply putting a false name on an accurate behavior.

Many years passed.  During these years, my father made regular calls trying to get back in touch.  I believed that he was learning the errors of his ways but I didn’t want to give in so easily as I had so recently been hurt.

Eventually I caved and we began a relationship.  Shortly after, my girlfriend at the time (now wife) became pregnant.  My father offered me a job under him at his financial advisory firm and I, needing the extra income to raise a child, agreed.  I pulled my wife out of school and moved our family to a whole new city to settle in and work for a time.

At first, things were great.  Sure there were ups-and-downs but I don’t want you to believe that I am unreasonable.  I don’t believe that any parents are perfect nor did I expect mine to be…not even as a teenager.  I thought they really had changed.  I saw the way they treated my kid brother and I was pleased.  Their religious views are still pushed into his face but other than that, everything seemed to be different.

One day my father called me up on the phone and asked me if I would like to do something with him.  I remember thinking that he was going to ask me for help as was often the case when we communicated – one of us asking the other for help.  I was wrong.  He asked me to think of something I would like to do with him – take a trip.  You see, he was taking my kid brother ice fishing in Alaska and I had jokingly brought up that my sister and I were never given trips as extravagant as that.  I was so touched thinking that I would finally be able to have a real father-son relationship that I started to cry.

I know.  I know.  All those years of a rock-hard exterior down the drain.  Please forgive me.  I am human too!

I told my father I did not expect a trip – that he and I could easily just go to a movie in the city where we lived and that would be enough for me but he pushed and pushed until eventually I decided that…hey, I’m a writer and I’ve never seen New York City…so I told him I’d always wanted to see New York.

Meanwhile, my mother was treating my new wife with love and kindness – something she did not do for the previous one.  Things were looking up for me.

Months passed and my father postponed the NYC trip.  Then he delayed again.  And again.  And again.  Until over a year had gone by.  I kept saying that I would be happy with a movie here and there but he would not listen.

Meanwhile, I began writing a book for NaNoWriMo – a book which I completed near the end of November.  Neither my mother or father have ever once asked about it without my bringing it up and, to this day, neither of them have made any effort to read that story.

The straw that broke the camel’s back is this.  My wife called my mother up and asked her for a favor – a favor that I told my wife not to expect.  Neither my wife or I expected the favor, she simply asked because it would have helped our situation greatly.

Rather than just saying “no” as she could have without us bearing any grudge whatsoever, my mother decided to show her true colors to my wife for the first time since we moved to this new city almost 2 years ago.  Without giving any details because I don’t want to mention the favor, I will say that my mother chose to be rude to my wife regarding something that was my fault and was not even known by my wife.

It broke my heart to realize that neither of my parents have changed for the better.  They are still the same people they were 10 years ago, 15 years ago…and I am starting to believe that they always will be.

I am very torn right now.  I am stuck in a job working for my father…a job I have never loved, but have held onto because I have to feed my wife and daughter.  Unfortunately, the economy in that area does not offer any comparable positions and I am forced to either suffer through a professional relationship with my father or seek employment in another city.

My heart is heavy because I love my parents deeply and all I wanted was for that love to be returned in kind.  Instead, they (as they did when I was a child) throw money at me and hope that it will satisfy my longing for parents.

I am starting to feel “less than…” again and it is something I do not want in my life again…or my wife and daughter’s.  It is a feeling they will never have to face if I have any say in it.

I know that my blog has never really gotten this personal…or even this whiny before but I feel that I have come to a dead-end and I must turn to outside advice.  Please let me know how any of you would deal with such things.  I know no other way than to harden my shell and cut them off once again.

- Paul

Here’s the problem:  it sits on my desk, unedited.  I have only just finished editing the first chapter.  I thought I could take a break from the story for a month and then come back to it but the writing of it is complete and the mood to edit it has not come yet.

I am forcing myself onward but I am very disappointed in myself for letting it slip this long.

NaNoWriMo recently emailed me, informing me that I could send in my final manuscript and have it judged by the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Contest.  However, my story is nowhere near complete and the deadline to have it sent in is Monday.

I was going to sit down and force myself to complete the story but, after the first hour of grueling editing, rewriting and deleting, I am finding that this story requires, nay, deserves more time than a weekend.  There is too much to be done so I will continue to edit until my bones break but I guess I will be passing the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Contest this year.  So sorry!

Wish me luck!

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So today just became my official “I’ve lost it” day.  I have written 5 poems for absolutely no reason.  I just don’t write poems.  I haven’t since high school so it’s kind of weird.  Anyway, I thought I’d share my favorite with you:

Gazing

When I was one, I had no purpose
Nor did I know or care
When I was three, no purpose still
But no worse did I fare

When I was six, nothing had changed
I still was not depressed
When I was ten, I still had none
And that suited me best

At fifteen, my life had no point
Cursed was my fate
At twenty-one, I knew no purpose
I decided I must wait

At twenty-eight, still nothing came
I began to feel alone
At thirty-six, life was purposeless
Sorrow became my home

At forty-five, my pointless life
Was forcing me to see
At fifty-five, I had no purpose
It was not meant to be

At sixty-six, still nothing there
And it began to show
At seventy-eight, I gave up hope
I had nowhere to go

At ninety-one, I lay on my deathbed
That’s when I understood
My purpose passed me as I waited
In my life, I’d done no good

At fifteen, had I been any wiser
I’d have done well in school
At twenty-one, I’d have fallen in love
If I’d not been such a fool

At twenty-eight, I’d have my children
Had I not waited so long
At thirty-six, I’d be the best dad
If I’d not have been so wrong

At forty-five, my kids would all be grown
And that’s when I would see
At fifty-five, they’d have their own lives
My purpose would be my legacy

At sixty-six, my whole life would change
Kids would have kids of their own
At seventy-eight, my wife and I
Could have settled down at home

And at ninety-one, I’d not be alone
As I lay there near-dead
I could have had them all around
Standing by my bed

So my last dying words, you see
I’ll tell you what they are
There is no purpose you will reach
Just GAZING at the stars

- Paul Scott

P.S. I’d love to hear your thoughts.

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7. What Kindness Did You Experience?:  a beautiful wife who puts up with my crap day in and day out, my daughter giving me a toy when I was broken down and crying, a friend who has accepted  me unconditionally, a father/boss who has been kind enough to provide me with the job that supports my family.

8.  What Did Others Do for You?:  a friend took time out of their busy schedule to see me when I was up in Orem, a new friend of mine made me feel as if I was the most important person in the world, my wife makes me a delicious taco whenever I want one, my daughter has opened my eyes to how beautiful life really is when you take a moment to stop and look.

9.  What Inspired You?:  watching the ending of Se7en, the life and writings of William Shakespeare, a mistaken phrase about the weather, musicals that are “a bit off” (i.e. Sweeney Todd, Repo: The Genetic Opera!), never beating my great-grandfather in chess before he passed away, a worthless career which I despise and the everyday challenges of the workplace, films and games and TV shows that I can write fanfiction for, the kid who drew me a different picture every day just because he wanted it to be a story, music, jumping on the trampoline with my friends, my life being changed by the birth of my daughter, every dream and nightmare I’ve had that I remember, fairy tales, too many other events in my life to name.

10.  What Made You Feel Good?:  hearing my wife say she loves me, seeing my daughter walk, reuniting with friends who I haven’t talked to in months (or even years), the rough and coarse texture of a puppy’s tongue when it licks your face.

11.  What Made You Laugh?:  every single second of Hot Fuzz, spinning my daughter around in my arms and then watching her try to walk while she’s dizzy, accidentally stumbling upon others making fools of themselves.

12.  What Difficulty Taught You an Important Lesson?:  every difficulty in my life has taught me one thing – how I’ve handled it has made me who I am.